


escapism

by cabriesun



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Established Levi/Erwin Smith, Fluff and Angst, Less Fluff More Angst, M/M, Major Character Injury, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17358545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabriesun/pseuds/cabriesun
Summary: In a world where anything and everything can be snatched from your grasp in a single instance, Levi finds it ridiculous for anyone to blame him for his concern over Erwin after he's brutally attacked by a titan and left without an arm as a permanent reminder.





	escapism

**Author's Note:**

> i....  
> fell into a hole  
> i've always had so many thoughts about these two after the debacle with the armored titan and the hoarde of titans that followed, and this was just my personal take on it!  
> i love these two very much and i sincerely hope that you all enjoy this fic. this is my first time writing them so if anything is horribly wrong i apologize lmao

Levi seldom used the term success when describing expeditions. Not that they ever really had any success when they would send their soldiers out into Titan infested colony. The statistics never spoke in their favor, and neither did the empty, bloody hands they returned with. But after the 57th, despite the casualties, Levi felt that there was a _hint_ of it. They hadn't come back the way they left. There was something to report back, something worth their analyzation. It was a step forward, and as much as he shouldn’t have, he desired to accustom himself to it.

But the practice would all but remain the same, despite the little flurry of hope that barely managed to manifest. He gazes at Erwin Smith from across the room, curled in his hospital bed with one less arm than he had before.

He should have called the liabilities of an impromptu rescue mission from the start. His leg, curse it to hell, was perhaps the only thing holding him back from this mission. He couldn’t stand the protest, the _need_ for him to stay back. There would be more soldiers like him. He wasn’t vital to the cause to the point where he had to be left out the one time he wishes he was there to do something. _Anything_ other than reaping the consequences of an outcome he could have changed.

But he could hear Erwin nagging him in the back of his head, about making his choices without regrets. It was the first thing he uttered to Levi that made him change his outlook on the Scout Regiment, and he’s painfully certain it won’t be the last time he hears the irritating adage of free will. But it was _their_ irritating adage, and Levi had never held something so dear to him so _close_ in his life.

And of all things to nearly strip it away…

“Levi.”

He hadn’t expected Erwin to wake for another hour, but he beds his shock for another time.

“Erwin, how do you feel?”

“Light. Is that… is that strange?”

“Well.” Levi crosses his arms, keeping his focus on the commander’s torso, “You’re missing a fifth of your body.”

Erwin guffaws.

“Is it not too soon to joke?” The commander’s laugh is just enough to steal some of the heaviness from the room, the captain opting to unfold his arms and let his heart sway.

“I mean it.” He continues, “Nothing is going to be the same afterward.”

“Maybe,” Erwin’s hand reaches to hover along what’s left, “but it’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

Levi scoffs, turning away. He should be used to Erwin’s lack of care for his own well being. Levi himself is guilty of it at times, though the protest lodged in his throat screams nothing but hypocrisy. Caring for Erwin has always been this difficult, an endless fight one way or another. Levi could simply choose _not_ to fight, but that’s yet another drawback of the relationship they’ve built together over the years. There is no _not_ caring anymore.

If asked, he wouldn’t be able to trace the timeline back to the beginning. Their relationship was one of checkpoints, rather than a firm beginning. He could say the ball began to roll in the Underground, but he and Erwin’s time of indifference isn’t something Levi likes to reminisce about, Erwin not being the only reason.

It could be his promotion ceremony, yes. He could name that as the beginning of his relationship with Erwin. A harsh snow fell from the skies on the night he officially carried the title of captain. Congratulations were thrown from all directions and Levi could barely keep up with the commotion, the exclamation, the _drunkenness_. Outside was looking more and more friendly with every second Levi spent around his comrades, though he cared for them.

He managed to break away without a single pair of eyes observing his escape. The only person left to acknowledge was perched against the metal railing of the balconies that protruded from the banquet hall.

Levi had never felt such overwhelming peace talking to his commander than he did that night. It was their first conversation that didn’t involve the military. He held it close, with an impenetrable grip.

Slowly, their chance meetings turned into planned meetings. They moved from main halls, to offices, to private quarters. The rooms got smaller, the space between them tighter.

It was Erwin who took the plunge. Levi planned to, but it was much more satisfying when the commander pinned his hips to the nearest wall and took him for everything he was and still is.

Having a relationship in the world they lived in wasn’t ideal, but they made it work the best they could. No one knew of the events that conspired between them, no one had to. Erwin and Levi were just the same as they were before to the public eye. It was within, that seemed to change almost by the hour.

“You’re quiet.”

Erwin sits up further in his bed. “Talk to me, Levi. You can’t leave me in the dark. Not this time.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what to _say_ ,” Levi stutters, just barely, “I wish I was there. I could have done something, saved you.”  
  
“I don’t need to be saved. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m no less of the person I was before this.”

“But you’re going to go out on the next expedition anyway, right?” Levi says, “I _know_ you. That’s why I worry, Erwin. You don’t know when to stop, and I’m sorry but now is the time.”

“We’ve made groundbreaking progress Levi, we’re a step further than we’ve been in at least half a century! I can’t just abandon the operation when it’s just begun.”

“Erwin how are you going to fight without an arm?” Levi spits it out in the open, his rage overtaking him for a split second, “I was left behind for an injured leg—I—you can’t expect to survive.”

“Levi, I need to be there every step of the way. You know how important this is to me. You _know_ .” He emphasizes at the end, his gaze strained. Levi can see the shine in those eyes, sky blue and begging for him to understand, to _let this go_.

“But don’t you want to live to see the fruits of your success?” He tries a slightly different approach, “The mission can still be carried out, but they need you to lead them. _I need you_ —”

Levi cuts himself short, placing a hand over his mouth and turning to the window.

“I’m sorry. That was too far. This has nothing to do with me.”

“It can,” Erwin responds, unmoving from where he sits, “if it needs to be.”

“I just want to be able to come home to you.”  
  
“So you doubt I’ll survive? You doubt my skills?”

“Well the chances have decreased, don’t you agree?”

“Well Levi that’s just a chance I’m going to have to _take_.”

The arguement stills, the air foggy with tension. Erwin sighs, running a shaky hand through his disheveled hair.  
  
“The world doesn’t stop because of a minor setback. You know this as well as I do.”

The anxious lump finds a way back into his throat, crawling slowly until he doesn’t know what to do with it anymore. His body moves before he can register, rushing from the windowsill to perch himself in his lover’s lap.

“Levi, someone might see.” Erwin is quick to hold his hand up, precautious of all possible outcomes as always. But, Levi can’t bring himself to care in such a situation.

“It’s well past the dead of night,” he protests sharply, “anyone coming to your quarters at this hour is coming to kill you, which is a quick problem to solve.”

“Oh God…” Erwin laughs again, his chest heaving before his fingertips are splayed along the skin of Levi’s cheek, “you’re beyond fascinating.”

“The last person I want to hear that from is you,” Levi whispers, “you’re supposed to be the _one_ person that treats me like a human being.”

“Right,” Erwin’s legs swing to the edge of the bed. Levi’s mouth opens to argue but his plea is swallowed by a kiss, selfish and urgent. His legs settle in Erwin’s lap, his hands finding their home between thick strands of blonde hair.

The warmth is gone and placed on his forehead next, then his cheeks, his hand, his lips, again…

“I’m sorry,” his lover whispers, hushed and true in his ear, “I’m sorry I worry you.”

“You should stay back, for the next expedition.”

“You know I can’t do that, Levi.”

 _He wants him to_. God, he wants him to stay in this bed. Away from the Titans, the tragedy, the death and agony. He wants Erwin safe and locked up where the world can’t touch the one thing Levi has left to cherish. He wants to be able to leave for the next expedition in hopes that it’s their last, come home, and make something more of what he’s managed to form within the walls.

“I know,” he whispers, fingertips dragging down Erwin’s unshaven face, “I know.” His lips graze Levi’s palm, eyes fluttering shut with every soft press. Levi can’t tear away, his hand sliding down to perch itself on Erwin’s shoulder. The commander’s spirit, though it’s wounded, isn’t weakened. Levi knew there was no convincing such a stubborn man, but he couldn’t bear to live with himself if he didn’t try.

“I’ll be right beside you, Erwin. The whole time.”

“I don’t doubt that, Levi.”

They live in a world where one can’t be selfish. Levi has come to accept that.

And yet with every kiss they share, that acceptance cracks, his desire to be selfish with Erwin more of a monster than his own hatred from the world he desperately wants to be freed of.

But, he still has Erwin. When all else fails, he will always have Erwin, so long as the world will continue to grant him that.

Levi smiles, closes his eyes, breathes in his scent like it’s the last time he’ll ever have the chance.

If it wasn’t such a tragic thing to say, he could have called the rushed pounding in his chest love.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed reading! definitely gonna be posting more of these precious angels.  
> have a wonderful day :)


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